Golden Globes: The Netscape Awards — Jan 16th 2007

By Karina Longworth

As Eugene Hernandez so astutely puts it over at indieWIRE, the Golden Globes are the "awards show that means nothing and everything at the same time." The Globes are selected by members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, a loosely-defined, corruption-ridden organization that seems to grant membership to any interested party boasting a non-U.S. passport and an affiliation with the entertainment media. Think of it this way: these are the greatest achievements in film and television as decided by the people who produce the Argentinean version of Entertainment Tonight.

It can be argued that Globe winners have a distinct advantage going into the Oscar race. The Oscars are selected by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences--that is, by working film professionals and former Oscar winners, most of whom are too busy to see a ton of films in which they weren't paid to participate. As such, they're enormously susceptible to buzz. And thanks to the splashy media profile of the Globes (which belies the feeble prestige of the HFPA), buzz is exactly what the winners get.

We can all agree that the Globes themselves have a limited impact on pop-cultural history. But it's hard to resist a media event that brings together the biggest stars in the world, locks them in a room for four hours, points cameras at them, and encourages them to drink. So let me celebrate this dubious award ceremony with my own list of dubious awards. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you my picks for the most memorable moments of the evening:

Most Unfortunate Instance of Irony, Production Elements Edition: NBC's music editors

For the opening montage of celebrities on the red carpet, the NBC telecast piped in "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls. As it happens, this song includes the memorable chorus: "One night only/Let's not pretend to care." Has even NBC given up on pretending like the Globes matter? Making matters worse, there are two versions of the song in Dreamgirls: a slower, soulful version, sung by Jennifer Hudson's character, and a shallow, disco-fied bastardization which is supposed to represent the evils of commodified culture. Guess which version NBC chose for their montage?

Most Heartbreaking Display of Naiveté: Jennifer Hudson

Winning the first award of the night for her Supporting Performance in Dreamgirls, the former American Idol contestant tearfully thanked ... who? "You don't know what this does to my confidence," she said. "This makes me feel like I'm part of a community." You've gotta respect the emotion, but what kind of community does she think she's now a part of? Doesn't she understand that she's been embraced by a claque of Scandinavian gossip columnists?

Sharpest Unscripted Complaint About the Distribution System: Jamie Foxx

Presenting a clip from Dreamgirls, Foxx read the following off the TelePrompTer: "It has audiences cheering all over this country." Then he added: "In only 800 theaters." Here was a non-too-subtle dig at Paramount, which has so far hedged its bets on the all-black musical by refusing to push it into a super-wide, 2,000-screen release.

Strangest Unscripted Complaint About The Distribution System: Meryl Streep

Streep claimed the Best Actress prize for her work in The Devil Wears Prada, and towards the end of the speech, she launched into a breathless defense of indie film. It was a shame, she suggested, that small-town (and even medium-city) audiences were deprived of productions such as Little Children or Volver. Streep advised an activist approach to the problem: "You have to go down to your theater manager and ask him why. It's amazing how much you can get if you quietly, clearly, and authoritatively demand it." She must know that every film she cited as an example of "indie" has been produced and/or distributed by a major conglomerate. (Little Children, for instance, is a production of New Line, which, like Netscape, is a part of Time Warner.) She also knows that these conglomerates have much more of a say as to which films play in a given small town than any theater owner. Though Streep's heart is undoubtedly in the right place, one wonders what she did with her brain.

Most Unfortunate Instance of Irony, Fashion Edition: Meryl Streep

The great actress accepted her award wearing a beige, off-the-shoulder gown that resembled a coffee-stained paper towel. She looked fabulous in the film for which she won the award--couldn't she have borrowed Prada's stylist for the night?

Best Unscripted Droll British Quip: Bill Nighy

Accepting his award for Gideon's Daughter, the actor noted: "I used to think prizes were damaging and divisive, until I got one. Now I think they're meaningful and real."

Best Unscripted Droll British Quip, Runner-Up: Jeremy Irons

Accepting his award for Elizabeth I, the actor noted: "I live in Ireland, and I forget all of you, and then I come here and I can't remember your names."

WTF? coupling of the night: Reese Witherspoon and Jack Nicholson

The cameras caught the blonde, 30-ish cutie sitting next to the decrepit legend several times over the course of the show. Maybe the notoriously not-interested-in-monogamy Jack is just giving Reese a few divorce tips?

Best/Worst Luck: Helen Mirren

The English actress won two of the three awards for which she was nominated last night. But as she walked to the stage to accept the first statue (for Elizabeth I), Mirren's cerulean blue dress got caught on something, leaving a gaping rip just above her royal buttocks.

Lamest "You're So Old" Joke: Tom Hanks

Introducing Cecil B. DeMille Award winner Warren Beatty, Hanks (who Maria Menounos earlier referred to as Beatty's "best friend") reiterated nine or ten times that Beatty was named Most Promising Newcomer by the HFPA in 1962.

Most Cringe Worthy "He's So Old" Moment: Warren Beatty

His horrible, out-of-nowhere, not-even-accurate Borat impression in the midst of his otherwise decent acceptance speech.

Best Reference Back to an Earlier Point in the Night: Sacha Baron Cohen

The real Borat set the record straight: "Warren--it's wawawewa."

Lamest Reference Back to an Earlier Point in the Night: Clint Eastwood

Accepting the Best Foreign Language award for his Letters From Iwo Jima, the filmmaker parroted Jennifer Hudson: "You don't know what this does to my confidence."

The Too Much Information Award: Alec Baldwin

Accepting his award for Best Actor in a TV Comedy, Baldwin remarked, "I'm glad this isn't too heavy, because I just had hernia surgery on December 21."

Most Subtle Political Jab: Warren Beatty

Humorously demanding that his fellow old-timers (i.e., Clint Eastwood) slow down to avoid embarrassing him, Beatty said: "I don't know why they won't do what I ask." Then, almost as an aside: "I asked Arnold to become a Democrat, and he did what I said."

Least Subtle Political Jab: Peter Morgan

Accepting his award for Best Screenplay, the writer of The Queen connected his film (which ultimately indicts Tony Blair for being a sentimental weakling) to present-day issues by asking, "What do we have to do to get our leaders to listen to us?"

Best Use of The Tropes of Political Speech-Making For Comic Effect: Sacha Baron Cohen

Accepting his award for Best Actor in a Comedy, Cohen reminisced about the making of Borat: "I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America. I refer of course to the anus and testicles of my costar." He closed by thanking "every American who has not sued me so far."

Most Notable TelePrompTer Gaffe: Naomi Watts

Introducing a clip from Babel, Watts managed to mispronounce the names of both the screenwriter and director of the film--both of whom she worked with just a couple of years ago on 21 Grams.

Skeeviest Unscripted Moment: Tim Allen

Standing next to Vanessa Williams, the man who pays his mortgage by pretending to be Santa leered at his co-presenter and said, "If looks were a minute, this would be a long day right here."

Skeeviest Scripted Moment: Tom Hanks

The Forrest Gump star asked for a show of hands from anyone who had slept with Warren Beatty...and then actually pretended to count.

On-Screen Breakdown of the Night: Forrest Whittaker

Was it nerves, or just too much champagne? Either way, Whittaker's speech had about four false starts. The winner of the Best Actor award finally got it together just in time to thank "the ancestors who let me stand on their shoulders, and guided my way, whispering in my ear" before the orchestra could play him off.

Biggest Surprise of the Night: Babel Wins Best Picture

In a race that seemed to be neck and neck between The Queen (which won Best Actress and Screenplay) and The Departed (whose director, Martin Scorsese, took home a long overdue prize), the film that many critics have dismissed as "Crash with subtitles" bagged the evening's biggest prize. Another celebration of sheer quality, handed out by the very bedrock of the Brangelina-based economy.

Tags: awards, celebrities, golden globes, GoldenGlobes, movies, netscape reports, NetscapeReports, television

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